Three Essential Relationships for Successful Living

Sisters in Christ are as precious as flowers. Each one is different in her own unique way. Each one blooms in her own unique time. And they come together to make a beautiful, sweet-smelling bouquet.

 

Women today need to connect on a real level with other women who will help them walk through the daily tasks, struggles, and challenges of their lives. We need one another! Relationships are vital in the life of each and every God-crazy woman. Our interdependence on one another is also an expression of our complete dependence on God. I believe that women understand a bit more than men do how much we need the people God places in our lives. Sometimes we need people to serve. Sometimes we need to humbly accept the service of another. There are moments when our hunger for church is filled by the generous spirit of a friend or the comforting squeeze of the hand by a stranger moved by empathy.

So if we need one another for our own spiritual growth and survival, then why do we have the tendency to feel we are in competition with one another? Every one of us is unique, and yet we compare ourselves to one another as if we were all meant to be the same. It’s what I call comparison shopping. While this might be considered discerning when buying a car or a new dress, it is destructive when we are trying on identities that are not our own or striving to become something we are not.

Do you ever walk in to a room and the first thing you do is compare yourself with everyone there? Or have you heard someone share about their experience and then immediately felt pressure to be just like them? It’s easy to do this when we are new wives or new parents. Everyone either has advice or stories to share. We take a lot of mental notes during these life transitions because we want to be good, acceptable, and approved. There is nothing wrong with learning from others, which we’ll talk about shortly, but these comparisons are rarely about gleaning godly wisdom. They are often born out our insecurities and nurtured by our fears of falling short of someone’s expectations.

God-crazy women know the secret to authentic, meaningful, and pure relationships. They pursue God’s expectations and His alone. This is absolute freedom, my friend. When your life is only about resting in God’s strength and pleasing Him, you can enter in to a conversation without motives that alter the very course of that conversation. Encounters with strangers or friends can be all about sharing the gifts of hospitality, good listening, and acceptance. We can be ourselves—uniquely put together and gifted and blessed by God to carve out our special path in this lifetime and to serve the kingdom.

We’ve discussed before how we can be lenient, forgiving, and grace-giving to friends but so filled with criticism for ourselves. When will we learn? Those of us who are mothers have little excuse to dismiss the concept of individuality, unique personalities, and gifting. We see it clearly in the demeanors, talents, and charms of our own children. From the time my first son, Josh, was born I knew he was a strong kid. He never slept and still doesn't. I would try to get him to take a nap, but it was useless. I would call friends, and they would tell me how their little one was down for a nap and how great it was to take a break. I couldn't understand why my little guy wouldn't even close his eyes for a moment. He would wake up every morning crying because he immediately wanted out of bed. Even though Josh didn’t need a lot of sleep, he did need a lot of food. He loved eating as a baby, and he loves eating as a teenager now. However, Aaron, my secondborn, slept through the night within the first few weeks of birth (Josh was up every night for a year and a half). Aaron slept so much my neighbors would tease me, telling me they knew I didn't really have another baby. When he woke up in the morning, I’d have to go in and check to see if he was awake. He wouldn't make a peep. His big brown eyes were wide open and he would just lie there patiently waiting for me to come get him. He ate so little I was concerned he wasn't eating enough; he still is not a big eater today. Josh and Aaron both have different needs and different wants, and I consider these when making decisions about them.  If I treated them both the same or even held the same expectations for both, I would not be acknowledging what I know to be true about them[L1] —they are different and wonderful and unique. They are my boys…but they are each God’s child with his own purpose.

 

When we compare ourselves to each other, we are taking away from our chance to celebrate our own uniqueness in Christ. We all have different needs, different gifting, and different purposes here on this earth. This is important to realize when stepping out to create meaningful or lasting relationships. We are not alike, and we shouldn’t begin to pursue a relationship with the desire to either become just like that person or to turn that person into us. It just won’t work! I let my kids know, “It takes one hundred percent of your time to take care of you, so don’t worry about what everyone else is doing!” Same goes for us. Focus on you changing and not changing others, and you will do just fine. God created us all unique because we are just one piece of the greater puzzle...the body of Christ. Without any of you the greater picture would not be complete nor would it be as lovely.

 

Three Essential Relationships

The Mentor

Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, has often shared the core principles for the company’s success: Don't be threatened by people smarter than you. Compromise anything but your core values. Seek to renew yourself, even when you are hitting home runs. Everything matters.

When we are not threatened by people who are smarter, we can learn and grow. The first relationship we all need is a mentor and what I call a “safe” relationship. This is not an easy relationship to find. I have been blessed to have at least one mentor during most times in my adult life. Here is what to look for in a mentoring situation:

1.     Look for a woman who is humble and has been through trials. She will not easily judge you in your situation, but instead she will offer sound advice.

2.     Don’t find a mentor in your immediate family. They cannot help but be biased. It’s fine to take advice and talk freely with your mother, but don’t unload everything in your life on her, and don’t expect her to always give you advice that will challenge you. She will naturally want to protect and baby you.

3.     Make sure whomever you choose is safe. By that I mean someone you can completely trust. You may want to use a woman counselor who is a Christian for this relationship. You need to be able to expose your sin and turn from it. Exposing your sin is very important in the God-crazy Life. Hidden sin can eventually destroy us and those around us.

4.     Look for a woman who is not competitive and who does not envy others.

5.     Seek a mentor who will not make you feel less valued for being different.

6.     It is very important your mentor understands the concept of allowing others to live out process in order to grow. You need to be able to fail without condemnation and with sound advice, compassion, and mercy. Trading the treasure of hope for the fear of condemnation will not offer you restoration.

7.     Find someone who really loves you and gets you.

 

Why a mentor? We do not need to be left to our own counsel, and in order to grow in godliness and righteousness, we need someone who has gone before us leading us down the path they have once walked. Has a friend ever called you on your bad behavior? Or have they ever sat down with you and thoughtfully, prayerfully discussed your faith walk? This won’t be just any friend or just any woman in your life who can do such things. We need those mentors!

A wise woman certainly understands the importance of good counsel. When you receive life-giving and soul-stretching insight, it will protect you from many of life’s trappings and from destructive behaviors. It will also bring blessing to you and your family as you seek to improve in areas of weakness. Find a mentor who is strong in areas you are not, and don’t be afraid to expose your weaknesses to her. You need someone who is going to shoot straight with you and not just tell you what you want to hear.

 

A Sista Who Is an Equal

This girl had better be fun. Why an equal? Well, I have found it is important to have someone who is in the same place in life as you are to really get ya. My dear friend Tammy is a good example. We both have four kids. We’ve been through the trials of marriage. And we love fashion, good food, and the ultimate requirement—lots of laughter. When the two of us get together and others come along, we are one big party to go. Our joy in being together and in being God crazy is contagious. We love to laugh and cut up! 

Another benefit of having this kind of friend is that your life language is very similar. There are times when I need only look at Tammy to know what is going on in her mind, heart, and life at that moment. We can express ourselves openly, and the other knows just how to respond and empathize. When a friendship is strengthened by common threads, you will experience true camaraderie and will be able to speak into each others lives and be a support for one another.

 

Mentoring Another    

I have mentored many young women, and I can tell you that this practice, discipline, and delight of mentoring has brought me great joy. I have been able to see these girls or young women grow up, get married, and implement things I handed down to them. They did not see a perfect being in me, but they did see a woman wanting to made perfect in the image of God. Reread that line. It is an important distinction. In fact, we should also always be reminding ourselves of this truth. It will help us release our actual failures to the Lord and let go of those perceived failures which emerge when we try to be perfect on our own.

There is such a need for older women to mentor the younger ones. Look for girls and young women to take under your wing and mentor. Young ladies whose mothers are not around will especially need this support, but I can tell you that every girl and every woman benefits from someone other than their relatives taking an interest in them, their growth as a woman, and their spiritual journey. It is worth the sacrifice; you will receive more than you give.

            I know that offering to be a mentor can be as intimidating as asking to be mentored. We are afraid we will let someone else down or even worse—be responsible for their downfall! Such pressure we put on ourselves to be every thing to every one we have a relationship with. You might be good at talking with and listening to a girl who rarely gets the captive attention of an adult. That is a gift and a great start in the mentoring process. Maybe you have special talents, such as cooking, crafts, writing, athletics, business skills, etc. that you can pass along to a woman with the desire to learn. You see, you don’t have to do it all, but you do have to make yourself available for this process to begin. It will change her life, your life, and I believe it will then, in turn, change many lives because you will both take away a deep understanding of how vital it is to support one another in prayer, conversation, commitment, and relationship.

            It is so important we do life together as believers. It is easy to isolate ourselves and stay inside our own worlds, but it is only in the getting out and giving of ourselves that we can truly receive all God meant for us when it comes to relationships. We need one another. We cannot always overcome on our own. I know what it is like to isolate yourself and let people see only what you want them to see…remember I did that. It is not the way God created us to live. He created us for relationships, and while there is risk, there is much more to gain when we come together as the body of Christ.

 

La Vida Loca

1. What type of friendships do you have now? What are you missing?
2. What attributes of a God-crazy woman do you need to work on?
3. Why have relationships failed in the past?
4. What means the most to you in a friendship and why?
5. What are some ways to form friendships that have worked for you?
6. Who has been a mentor in your life? If you did not have a mentor, was a woman role model present in your life at an important time?
7. Which one of your deep dark fears keeps you from connecting to other women? Do you realize that they are probably grappling with the very same fear?
8. Pray for your sista in partnership friend. If you don’t have someone who shares some of your life circumstances and values, pray that God will lead you to that woman.
9. Be watching for whom you can mentor. Maybe it is someone you have not yet met. Yet again, it might be a young woman who has been in your life all along. As risky as it seems, take the leap of faith and develop a relationship with that young girl.
10. What can you learn from God’s faithfulness in your own life that can help you embrace and nourish your relationships?

 

God-Crazy Prayer

Lord, I can feel so alone, even when I’m surrounded by my family and my church family. Help me reach beyond my insecurities so that You can show me, once again, how faithful You are when Your children take a step forward in their faith. Protect me from bad relationships, reveal to me those relationships which need mending, and point me toward those friendships that are ready to bloom. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

Adapted from God Crazy, an Adventurous Roadtrip to Joyful Surrender - Michelle Borquez